The one parenting tactic to avoid at all costs

A wonderful article by Kasey Edwards.

Shame, it seems, has become the parenting strategy of choice when all else fails.

Take the recent case of 13-year-old Izabel Laxamana who committed suicide after her father cut off her hair because she disobeyed him by using social media.

'Was it worth it?' her father reportedly asks while videoing her abasement.

'No', Izabel replies.

'How many times did I warn you?' he asks.

'A lot.'

Our gigantic problem with portions - why are we all eating too much?

We are consuming ever bigger portions on ever larger dinner plates. Food manufacturers keep pushing us to eat more.

Can we learn to control our helpings? In this article from the Guardian Jay Rayner, Gizzi Erskine and Tamal Ray discuss their struggles with cutting down. Click here to read more

Is it possible to be your own best friend?

"I'm just so angry," said my friend Sarah* after she started writing a daily journal. I had to agree there's a lot to be angry about: refugees, the state of geo-politics, the treatment of women, Donald Trump.

But Sarah's anger is different. "I'm furious at myself for all my failings, all the mistakes I've made, and the opportunities I've missed," she said.  

This was a complete surprise. This is a woman who tops my list of Women Who Have Their S--- Together. It never occurred to me that she might be as insecure and self-critical as me. It was a revelation that well-adjusted grown-ups could also be pointlessly self-destructive.

A friend recently said to me: "If only you could see yourself the way other people see you." This got me thinking: Is it possible to be my own best friend or is this just another thing to feel like I'm failing at?

Clinical Psychologist and Director at The Clinical Psychology Group Dr Karola Belton says that it's certainly possible to turn off our self-criticism, but often turning it down is a more achievable goal for most of us.

"Quite often the inner voice has been around for a very long time so it's had a lot of experience making its presence felt and we've had a lot of experience in believing what it tells us. It can be pretty stubborn, and doesn't like being turned off," says Belton.

Belton says the first step in turning down our self-criticism is awareness — noticing when the chatter starts and what it's saying.  

"What is the theme of the chatter? What triggers these thoughts, who triggers them? This observation helps build an understanding of your inner chatter and, very importantly, helps create distance between the person and their thoughts. This helps reinforce the idea that 'I am not my thoughts'."

After we identify our unhelpful thoughts, Dr Belton says we need to decide what to do with them.

"I encourage my clients to ask themselves questions like: Do I believe this? Do I want to listen to this? How accurate is this? Does it help me or hinder me? Do I want this thought to influence what I do, the choices I make, how I feel?"  

"The critical, judgemental, self-doubting thoughts can still be there, but we can, with practice, choose not to automatically accept them and have our actions be influenced by them."

Hypnotherapist Liz Hogon says that we're all born okay. "We're not born believing that we're not smart enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not good enough.

Do I believe this? Do I want to listen to this? Does it help me or hinder me? 

Those beliefs are layered on us from unhelpful experiences and comments from parents, family members, teachers, and our culture. We need to learn how to clear away those layers to get back to what our essence really is," says Hogon.

Hogon set me a challenge to improve my self-talk in two weeks. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sceptical, but I figured I had nothing to lose.

She told me to compile a list of 10 good things that I had done or that I liked about myself and then add extra items to that list every day. I also had to write down what my friends would say about those things on the list if I'd told them.

Right about now, many are probably thinking "I'd struggle to come up with ten great things about myself".

But it doesn't have to be curing cancer or negotiating world peace. The items on my list were: "I went to the gym today." And I supposed that my friends would say, "That's great that you are looking after yourself and prioritising your time and your health."

Another one was, "I texted a friend who's really busy at the moment to remind her that our kids need to wear sports uniform today" and I imagined my friends would say "You're a thoughtful person and a good friend."

Once I wrote the list, Hogon told me to read the list five times every day and really think hard about what my friends might say about all the things on the list.

Hogon's challenge was based on a self-esteem program by author and researcher Rob Kelly who says that self-esteem is not as fixed as we think; that we don't have to let our crappy childhood experiences or bad relationships define us for life.

"Your self-esteem is what you currently think of you. It's a belief based on your most recent (or relevant) thoughts and feelings you have about yourself and your life," writes Rob Kelly in. "Positive thoughts, experiences and feelings charge [your self-esteem]. Negative thoughts, experience and feelings delete it."

And how did I feel after two weeks of working on my list?

Fantastic. It was like my mind was so full of all the good things about myself I didn't have the headspace for all the usual negative thoughts.

Of course, there's more to curing a lifetime of negative thought patterns than writing a list for two weeks. It takes time and practice to become our own best friend. But understanding that it is possible to choose which thoughts I'll listen to and which thoughts I'll ignore is a great place to start.

*not her real name

Kasey Edwards' new book Guilt Trip: My Quest To Leave The Baggage Behind will be released in May 2017.

Originally published here: http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/news-and-views/opinion/is-it-possible-to-be-your-own-best-friend-20170206-gu6i7u.html

9 Phrases smart people never use in conversation

This is a great article penned by Travis Bradberry Ph.D.

We’ve all said things that people interpreted much differently than we thought they would. These seemingly benign comments lead to the awful feeling that only comes when you’ve planted your foot firmly into your mouth.

Verbal slip-ups often occur because we say things without knowledge of the subtle implications they carry. Understanding these implications requires social awareness—the ability to pick up on the emotions and experiences of other people.

TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and discovered that social awareness is a skill in which many of us are lacking.

We lack social awareness because we’re so focused on what we’re going to say next—and how what other people are saying affects us—that we completely lose sight of other people.

This is a problem because people are complicated. You can’t hope to understand someone until you focus allof your attention in his or her direction.

The beauty of social awareness is that a few simple adjustments to what you say can vastly improve your relationships with other people.

To that end, there are some phrases that emotionally intelligent people are careful to avoid in casual conversation. The following phrases are nine of the worst offenders. You should avoid them at all costs.

1. “You look tired.”

Tired people are incredibly unappealing—they have droopy eyes and messy hair, they have trouble concentrating, and they’re as grouchy as they come. Telling someone he looks tired implies all of the above and then some.

Instead say: “Is everything okay?” Most people ask if someone is tired because they’re intending to be helpful (they want to know if the other person is okay). Instead of assuming someone’s disposition, just ask. This way, he can open up and share. More importantly, he will see you as concerned instead of rude.

2. “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”

Once again, a well-meaning comment—in this case a compliment—creates the impression that you’re being critical. Telling someone that she has lost a lot of weight suggests that she used to look fat or unattractive.

Instead say: “You look fantastic.” This one is an easy fix. Instead of comparing how she looks now to how she used to look, just compliment her for looking great. It takes the past right out of the picture.

3. “You were too good for her anyway.”

When someone severs ties with a relationship of any type, personal or professional, this comment implies he has bad taste and made a poor choice in the first place.

Instead say: “Her loss!” This provides the same enthusiastic support and optimism without any implied criticism.

4. “You always...” or “You never...”

No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. These phrases make people defensive and closed off to your message, which is a really bad thing because you likely use these phrases when you have something important to discuss.

Instead say:Simply point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”

5. “You look great for your age.”

Using “for your” as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one wants to be smart for an athlete or in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death’s door. People simply want to be smart and fit.

Instead say: “You look great.” This one is another easy fix. Genuine compliments don’t need qualifiers.

6. “As I said before...”

We all forget things from time to time. This phrase makes it sound as if you’re insulted at having to repeat yourself, which is hard on the recipient (someone who is genuinely interested in hearing your perspective). Getting insulted over having to repeat yourself suggests that either you’re insecure or you think you’re better than everyone else (or both!). Few people who use this phrase actually feel this way.

Instead say: When you say it again, see what you can do to convey the message in a clearer and more interesting manner. This way they'll remember what you said.

7. “Good luck.”

This is a subtle one. It certainly isn’t the end of the world if you wish someone good luck, but you can do better because this phrase implies that they need luck to succeed.

Instead say: “I know you have what it takes.” This is better than wishing her luck because suggesting that she has the skills needed to succeed provides a huge boost of confidence. You’ll stand out from everyone else who simply wishes her luck.

8. “It’s up to you.” or “Whatever you want.”

While you may be indifferent to the question, your opinion is important to the person asking (or else he wouldn’t have asked you in the first place).

Instead say: “I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but a couple things to consider are...” When you offer an opinion (even without choosing a side), it shows that you care about the person asking.

9. “Well at least I’ve never ___.”

This phrase is an aggressive way to shift attention away from your mistake by pointing out an old, likely irrelevant mistake the other person made (and one you should have forgiven her for by now).

Instead say: “I’m sorry.” Owning up to your mistake is the best way to bring the discussion to a more rational, calm place so that you can work things out. Admitting guilt is an amazing way to prevent escalation.

Bringing It All Together

In everyday conversation, it’s the little things that make all the difference. Try these suggestions out, and you’ll be amazed at the positive response you get.

Originally published here http://www.talentsmart.com/articles/9-Phrases-Smart-People-Never-Use-In-Conversation-2147446625-p-1.html